Kryptonite of the dating world??

So as I return from my summer vacation from blogging (at least that is what I am calling it...that sounds better than a big ole heap of blog-lazy) I have so many thoughts to comment on I scarcely know where to begin. I mean I am just in time for the health care debate (which I will weigh in on later) and the 6+ month mark of Obama's presidency, not to mention my views on the current strand of "crazy" that has engulfed the GOP. But before I address all those major world issues I think I will comment on something that has come to my attention recently.


Are African-American women the "Kryptonite" of the dating world?



Okay I know that sounds crazy especially coming from a black woman but I have been having a lot of experiences lately, coupled with discussions with many friends (male and female), as well as looking at lots of things happening in the media and their interest in all things strong, black and female in the age of Michelle Obama. Add to that the widespread circulation of an article from MSNBC entitled "Marriage eludes high-achieving black women" last week and of course the recent influence of my own interesting spring and summer dating fiascoes and it makes one want to search for some answers.

In the nature of full disclosure I will state that I am single, never married with no kids. I do hope to get married one day (if that is God's plan for my life) and genuinely I am pretty upbeat and hopeful about all things (including my dating life) so this is in no way a "woe is me" kind of observation.

But particularly as I have swam into the cesspool of the online dating world I have begun to think that Black women have somehow been forced to occupy the lowest place on the totem pole of the dating world. I have had experiences with multiple online dating sites (Eharmony, chemistry.com, match.com) and it seems the experiences are similar across all the sites. The numbers of men (ironically of all races) who select every single racial choice in their dating preferences EXCEPT the Black/African-American choice is astonishingly high.

I like to call it the "ABB" syndrome (Anything BUT Black).

Now I don't begrudge anyone's preferences I think you should date whoever you are comfortable with BUT COME ON...the fact that you go through a list of like 8-10 racial choices, systematecially click on every availible choice but Black/African-American, there is something that underlies that decision. It is not simply the fear of the "other" since these same men have no problems with Native Americans or Pacific Islanders. There is something specific that makes people choose to avoid at all costs a relationship with a Black woman. It is also interesting that I know an alarmingly large number of women in my social circle who are smart (with multiple degrees in most cases), successful, beautiful, outgoing, committed to their community and yes SINGLE....we are the people whom our non ethnic coworkers cannot seem to understand why we are not married. The people that our white friends from high school try to find dates for (only to realize to their great surprise that their husband's single and recently divorced friends are not at all interested in dating us). We are the women that men in our own community either reject because they are a little intimidated by us or simply because their interests run in other directions. In short it almost seems like we have become the Kryptonite of the dating world.

There are many reasons for this disparity (if you want to call it that)...ongoing issues between the sexes in the black community, a much lower tendency to outmarry for Black women, differences in the numbers of matched aged/education peers. All of these are legitimate arguments but I have to wonder if there isn't something that runs deeper.

Black women for many years have only had two images in popular culture...the bad girl pseudo "whore" (think "Carmen Jones" or Beyonce) or the comforting maternal "mammy" character (Hattie McDaniel or more recently Oprah) and neither of these images are particularly interesting as a partner choice in a serious adult relationship. This "whore"/"mammy" dichotomy has often times made black women less desirable particularly for members of other races to consider as a potential mate. Add to that the fact that for Gen Xers and older who are part of a society that is pre- "post-racial" there tends to be less comfort with interracial dating. These factors of course limit the dating pool for many Black women down to the size of a kiddie blow-up one, which ultimately is a part of the reason that perfectly decent and wonderful women who should be considered great catches are too often left alone.

While I hate the media's focus on the First Lady and the endless dissection of her every wardrobe change and appearance I think Michelle Obama is a wonderful positive image to cultivate. She is changing the way people of all races look at and think about black women. Her relationship with President Obama is a healing balm for the often painful issues between black men and women, and ultimately for all the single sistas like me that has got to be a plus. I am also hopeful when I look at younger women, as the under 25 crowd is much less uptight regarding crossing racial barriers in dating and everything else for that matter.

So maybe one day soon, people will discover that African-American women are NOT Kryptonite but just a unique jewel that people are only just now starting to appreciate for her beauty, rarity and special joy and that it is a truly lucky man (of any race) who discovers this treasure.